Election year is here, and US citizens are gearing up for a rematch between Joseph R. Biden and Donald J. Trump. People haven’t been this demoralized about a sequel since True Detective Season Two. Voters on either side of the aisle have legitimate complaints about the policies of each candidate, but the election is bringing another question to the forefront of American political discourse: why the hell are these decrepit geezers even allowed to govern?
Biden hasn’t been able to complete a full sentence for his entire term. Trump may be cognitively sharper, but he’s still an obese septuagenarian. US citizens question if these old rich men are fit to run the country and if they’re in touch with everyday American issues, or reality itself.
The common thought is that more experience = good leaders. But with politicians stroking out in real-time, people want candidates with better neuroplasticity (aka their brains aren’t calcifying). It can also be argued that younger politicians are more likely to consider the long-term implications of their decisions since they’ll be around to reap what they sow. That isn’t true, but it’s nice to think about.
It’s with this in mind that I suggest two candidates, one for either party. They’re in the springtime of life, idealistic, and also have the prerequisite sense of self-importance to run for office. They’re perfect choices to remedy the greying of American politics.
Democratic Candidate
My suggestion for the Democratic party is Greta Thunberg. Greta is everything liberals love: young, female, environmentally conscious, neuro-divergent, shrill, and European. “But Max,” you exclaim, “the Constitution says that you can only be president if you were born in the United States!” Well, nerd, I’ve already thought about that.
You see, the Constitution is a living document. That means that you can ignore it whenever you want. US presidents have never shied away from this. Want to bomb foreign nations without Congressional or international consent? Sure thing! Want to use intelligence agencies to illegally spy on (and drug) US citizens? No problem! Just make sure to burn all the documents. Or maybe you want to pack the Supreme Court to get around the pesky legislation process and increase Executive authority. Go right ahead! We can’t let a silly old piece of paper prevent us from doing what we want.
Hell, I don’t care if Greta even lives in the White House. It’s 2024. Everybody works from home, anyway. Just set up a Slack channel, schedule a 30-minute Zoom meeting every two weeks, and let Greta run everything from Sweden. Take that, Con-Law dorks.
Greta is only 21 years old and has already developed the most important trait in the liberal toolbox: self-righteousness. Soapbox lectures are her bread and butter. Her campaigns for net-zero carbon emissions demonstrate her ability to reject compromise and practical solutions in favor of pointed attacks that brook no argument.
Greta doesn’t waste time thinking about how her desired policy changes would affect levels of comfort, supply chains, infrastructure, or national defense. There’s no frivolous discussion of costs or consideration of nuclear energy resources that can replace the production of oil and gas. There’s no uncertainty over her predictions despite the less-than-perfect science that is forecasting climate change decades into the future. No. It’s simple and uncompromising. No more CO2, no matter what.
With Greta Thunberg, you will get a Democratic candidate who’s an expert in emotionally manipulating people through shame and black-and-white thinking. She will invigorate her base of self-conscious college-educated white people who are yearning for a Cause because they need to fill a religion-sized hole in their hearts. What more could a liberal want?
Republican Candidate
As for the Grand Old Party, I nominate Kyle Rittenhouse. He is the exact same age as Greta to the day. Following in the footsteps of former President George W. Bush, this patriotic young man committed murder for the sake of business interests when he probably should’ve just stayed at home. What’s more Republican than prioritizing corporations over human lives?
Rittenhouse announced The Media Accountability Project (TMAP) after he was acquitted of guilt. TMAP aims to hold media companies accountable for saying mean things about him. This is in step with conservative policymakers who tout freedom of speech, say something offensive, and are shocked when left-leaning news outlets use their 1st Amendment right to call them out for it. Why use logic to assert the superiority of your argument in the marketplace of ideas when you can use the ever-judicious State to stifle anyone who calls you bad names?
To this date, TMAP hasn’t gotten off the ground, which shows that Rittenhouse is already well-versed in not delivering on things he said he’d do. Remember how Trump was going to build a wall? Or repeal the ACA and replace it with something “beautiful”? Or reduce the federal deficit, only to be the third-leading deficit builder in US history? Kyle will fit in well with his hollow promises and lack of substantive action.
Rittenhouse will also galvanize his base with his strong support of the 2nd Amendment and the police. Republican voters have a special affinity for the right to bear arms because it protects us from tyrannical government authorities. They also love the police, the government authority who can kill anyone and get away with it (pension included). If these ideas seem to contradict each other, then get back in your Ivory Tower, libtard!
Plus, he’s already caught a body. Most 2A enthusiasts merely fantasize about killing people (read: minorities), but Kyle went out and did it. As a bonus, one of them was a child sex offender! That may make him less popular in D.C. political circles, but QAnon fans will love him.
Your Choice, Young America
There you have it: two supple young bodies to throw into the political meat grinder. Greta Thunberg and Kyle Rittenhouse are picture-perfect candidates for the Democrat and Republican parties (“picture-perfect” in that they both have that weird, boring, kind of repulsive face that all politicians have).
I call on my fellow young Americans to make concerted efforts to get these two young leaders into power. That way, we can finally have our voices heard in government and fuck up the country for the next generation.
Why the Long Face? 