Why the Long Face?

February was a big month for tech-giant Apple with the release of the much-anticipated Vision Pro headset. The mixed-reality headset is a signal that everything is about to change: the way we work, the way we play, the way we digest media. If you’re wondering what the future will be like, meet the Apple Vision Pro.

As someone who stays up to date on all cutting-edge technology, I felt a need to review this future-defining device and share my thoughts with my devoted readers. However, it costs $3500. 

I didn’t want cost to get in the way of sharing bounteous content with my unfed audience. So, I asked my friend Philip K. Türtledick (he’s German, not prehensile) if he’d be willing to get it and tell me about his experience with it. He happily agreed. I expected as much since he’s as much of a futurist as me. 

After a week of use, I recorded an interview with Isaac about the device: 

Me: Hi Isaac, how are you doing?

Türtledick: Fantastic. I feel like I’ve seen the future. And, brother, the future is bright.

Me: Wonderful! Worth the $3500? 

Türtledick: Oh, certainly. I may be late on my rent but I don’t care. This pristine device has filled a deep void in me. 

Me: Ah, yes. It’s proof of the salvation material commodities grant us. Let’s get to your week with the Apple Vision Pro. I want to hear all about it.  

Türtledick: What a glorious week it’s been. Initially, I wasn’t able to keep the headset on for more than an hour or two. Any longer and I got queasy. I tried to push the limits on the second day, but I puked on my cat, Mrs. Düsseldorf. She freaked out and ran around the apartment, spreading the chunky bile everywhere. 

Me: Another example of the limits of the human body in relation to technology. I look forward to a day when a chip in our brains will cancel out negative physical and mental reactions so we can finally reach our true potential screen time. 

Türtledick: Absolutely. In the meantime, I decided to use Non-drowsy Dramamine. 

Me: Smart. 

Türtledick: After that, I spent hours on that thing. The experience was so awesome that I even found work to be thrilling.

Me: Excellent! Tell me more. I was captivated by the videos of people demonstrating the way you can set up Tony Stark work areas in your living room!

Türtledick: Ah, yes. I found myself talking to an imaginary Jarvis every time I opened a new tab or app. I never knew work could be so fun! I used to get bored and just check my phone. I guess I just needed to put everything two inches in front of my eyeballs and pretend I’m Iron Man to really focus. 

Me: Ha, what a good time, and not schizophrenic in the least. What about entertainment? I understand that the immersive visual media delivered through the Vision Pro is mind-blowing.

Türtledick: Oh, man. It’s unbelievable. Museums will not exist in the future. We’ll have no need for national parks or physical monuments. Raze them to the ground; the Louvre, Yosemite, the Colosseum. We can experience 3D versions of them all from our living room at a fraction of the cost! 

Me: I agree. History is for cowards too afraid to face the future. And who needs to climb a mountain when you can just watch Avatar 2?

Türtledick: Exactly. The movies were stupendous. I watched Dune and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I went to my girlfriend’s to watch a movie with her on her TV, but it paled in comparison to the immersive Vision Pro experience. I ended up leaving halfway through to go back and finish Return of the King. 

Me: You made the right decision. Besides, who needs a girlfriend when you can experience virtual-reality pornography? 

Türtledick: Yes. Women beware – men can have all of their sexual urges sated in the virtual comfort of the Apple Vision Pro. 

Me: It’s like your own personal Joi from Blade Runner 2049. 

Türtledick: And thanks to 3D-printed sex dolls, you won’t need to hire a prostitute to merge with your holographic AI girlfriend to make sexual simulations feel like the real thing.

Me: That’s a very astute observation, Phil. What was your experience using the headset in the “real world”?

Türtledick: I took the headset for a spin in the “real world” after spending four days inside. I went to the park to watch YouTube videos, but the sound of children playing and birds singing almost ruined the experience. I used a pair of noise-cancelling Bluetooth headphones to cancel out their commotion. I watched two hours of Mr. Beast videos in my soundproof bubble. I usually find the park to be boring and dirty, but this time I had fun! 

Me: Who has time for the park when there’s stimulating content to be consumed? Finally, you can be productive instead of wasting time doing nothing but sitting in community-based natural habitats. 

Türtledick: My sentiments exactly. I got up to walk around with the headset, but people kept bumping into me and cursing me when I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to answer texts or pull up an app. Unfortunately, the Vision Pro cuts off peripheral vision and I was unable to see some cars coming. A few discourteous autos almost hit me when I attempted to cross the street. I also tripped over some curbs while enthralled by the magnificent, but vision-impairing, media on my headset. 

Me: I wouldn’t put that down as a negative for the Vision Pro. It’s more an example of low-IQ individuals blocking the path of technological progress, yet again.

Türtledick: Very true. I envision a future where everyone drives a smart car that will automatically stop for hazards and pedestrians. Everyone will be protected by a large AI-driven hamster ball to protect them from the failures of their clumsy human extremities. 

Me: One day, my friend, one day. 

Türtledick: Well, after a while I realized that I was so focused on the succulent digital content of the Vision Pro that I lost my way. I called an Uber using nothing but my eyes. I noticed the middle-aged driver staring at me in the rearview mirror from time to time on the ride home. She was clearly impressed by my possession of such cutting-edge technology. My arms pirouetted, dragging apps and windows to and fro. I was managing work emails, texts, and Clash of Clans almost simultaneously. No doubt she admired the high-level cognitive ability on display.

I asked her what she thought about it. She seemed reluctant to share, but I pressed on. I was jonesing for an opportunity to wax poetic about this new high-tech computational marvel.

She eventually said it was “really cool”, “so exciting”, and “definitely doesn’t make you look like an idiot.”

Me: If wearing a heavy $3500 mixed-reality headset in public is idiotic, then give me the dunce cap and sit me in the corner!

Türtledick: I’ll gladly join you there. Anyway, when I got home I decided to FaceTime some friends to test out my digital avatar. I wasn’t aware that it takes a few facial scans from the headset to really dial in the details. I called my sister who had my niece on her lap. Apparently, my face was rather ghoulish and I frightened my niece to tears. My sister hung up to deal with her daughter’s wailing. I realized I didn’t have many other friends to call other than you but you were busy writing for your prestigious blog. 

Me: I lead a disciplined lifestyle. It’s all for my readers. Their external approval is everything to me. 

Türtledick: Of course, so I decided to use Hinge. As a disciple of emerging technology, I’ve replaced any real photos with AI-generated ones that capture my true beauty. I’ve also generated prompts and conversation starters with ChatGPT.

Me: A true futurist! Can you give me an example of one of the prompts? 

Türtledick: Of course. I sent this to my most recent prospect after asking ChatGPT what to say when I match with someone:

“Hey [Her Name], I couldn’t resist swiping right when I saw [something interesting from her profile]. Tell me more about that!”

It didn’t work since I failed to replace the bracketed text with my own thoughts, but one day AI will be so integrated with my brain that I won’t even have to come up with anything myself. ChatGPT will do it for me! Or, I’ll have a sex robot so realistic that I won’t bother with the apps. Whatever happens first.

Me: I’m rooting for the sexbots.

Türtledick: Well, my bedtime came and went as I continued drenching myself in the digital paradise offered by the Vision Pro. When I finally decided to go to bed, my eyes were bloodshot and I found it difficult to keep them shut. I felt like a farmer with a sore back and soil under his fingernails – exhausted from my work, but proud.

Me: I can understand how it would be hard to sleep after so much excitement. What are your final thoughts on the device?

Türtledick: I love the Vision Pro. It’s new technology and new technology makes everything better. If the past 20 years have shown us anything, it’s that. And this is just a taste of things to come. Say goodbye to your boring reality. Soon, we’ll all be able to experience an enhanced version of our lives in a way that can only be achieved through a screen, and I can’t wait. With the Vision Pro, the future is happening right in front of your eyes. 

Election year is here, and US citizens are gearing up for a rematch between Joseph R. Biden and Donald J. Trump. People haven’t been this demoralized about a sequel since True Detective Season Two. Voters on either side of the aisle have legitimate complaints about the policies of each candidate, but the election is bringing another question to the forefront of American political discourse: why the hell are these decrepit geezers even allowed to govern?

Biden hasn’t been able to complete a full sentence for his entire term. Trump may be cognitively sharper, but he’s still an obese septuagenarian. US citizens question if these old rich men are fit to run the country and if they’re in touch with everyday American issues, or reality itself. 

The common thought is that more experience = good leaders. But with politicians stroking out in real-time, people want candidates with better neuroplasticity (aka their brains aren’t calcifying). It can also be argued that younger politicians are more likely to consider the long-term implications of their decisions since they’ll be around to reap what they sow. That isn’t true, but it’s nice to think about. 

It’s with this in mind that I suggest two candidates, one for either party. They’re in the springtime of life, idealistic, and also have the prerequisite sense of self-importance to run for office. They’re perfect choices to remedy the greying of American politics. 

Democratic Candidate

My suggestion for the Democratic party is Greta Thunberg. Greta is everything liberals love: young, female, environmentally conscious, neuro-divergent, shrill, and European. “But Max,” you exclaim, “the Constitution says that you can only be president if you were born in the United States!” Well, nerd, I’ve already thought about that. 

You see, the Constitution is a living document. That means that you can ignore it whenever you want. US presidents have never shied away from this. Want to bomb foreign nations without Congressional or international consent? Sure thing! Want to use intelligence agencies to illegally spy on (and drug) US citizens? No problem! Just make sure to burn all the documents. Or maybe you want to pack the Supreme Court to get around the pesky legislation process and increase Executive authority. Go right ahead! We can’t let a silly old piece of paper prevent us from doing what we want. 

Hell, I don’t care if Greta even lives in the White House. It’s 2024. Everybody works from home, anyway. Just set up a Slack channel, schedule a 30-minute Zoom meeting every two weeks, and let Greta run everything from Sweden. Take that, Con-Law dorks.

Greta is only 21 years old and has already developed the most important trait in the liberal toolbox: self-righteousness. Soapbox lectures are her bread and butter. Her campaigns for net-zero carbon emissions demonstrate her ability to reject compromise and practical solutions in favor of pointed attacks that brook no argument. 

Greta doesn’t waste time thinking about how her desired policy changes would affect levels of comfort, supply chains, infrastructure, or national defense. There’s no frivolous discussion of costs or consideration of nuclear energy resources that can replace the production of oil and gas. There’s no uncertainty over her predictions despite the less-than-perfect science that is forecasting climate change decades into the future. No. It’s simple and uncompromising. No more CO2, no matter what.  

With Greta Thunberg, you will get a Democratic candidate who’s an expert in emotionally manipulating people through shame and black-and-white thinking. She will invigorate her base of self-conscious college-educated white people who are yearning for a Cause because they need to fill a religion-sized hole in their hearts. What more could a liberal want? 

Republican Candidate

As for the Grand Old Party, I nominate Kyle Rittenhouse. He is the exact same age as Greta to the day. Following in the footsteps of former President George W. Bush, this patriotic young man committed murder for the sake of business interests when he probably should’ve just stayed at home. What’s more Republican than prioritizing corporations over human lives? 

Rittenhouse announced The Media Accountability Project (TMAP) after he was acquitted of guilt. TMAP aims to hold media companies accountable for saying mean things about him. This is in step with conservative policymakers who tout freedom of speech, say something offensive, and are shocked when left-leaning news outlets use their 1st Amendment right to call them out for it. Why use logic to assert the superiority of your argument in the marketplace of ideas when you can use the ever-judicious State to stifle anyone who calls you bad names? 

To this date, TMAP hasn’t gotten off the ground, which shows that Rittenhouse is already well-versed in not delivering on things he said he’d do. Remember how Trump was going to build a wall? Or repeal the ACA and replace it with something “beautiful”? Or reduce the federal deficit, only to be the third-leading deficit builder in US history? Kyle will fit in well with his hollow promises and lack of substantive action. 

Rittenhouse will also galvanize his base with his strong support of the 2nd Amendment and the police. Republican voters have a special affinity for the right to bear arms because it protects us from tyrannical government authorities. They also love the police, the government authority who can kill anyone and get away with it (pension included). If these ideas seem to contradict each other, then get back in your Ivory Tower, libtard!

Plus, he’s already caught a body. Most 2A enthusiasts merely fantasize about killing people (read: minorities), but Kyle went out and did it. As a bonus, one of them was a child sex offender! That may make him less popular in D.C. political circles, but QAnon fans will love him. 

Your Choice, Young America

There you have it: two supple young bodies to throw into the political meat grinder. Greta Thunberg and Kyle Rittenhouse are picture-perfect candidates for the Democrat and Republican parties (“picture-perfect” in that they both have that weird, boring, kind of repulsive face that all politicians have). 

I call on my fellow young Americans to make concerted efforts to get these two young leaders into power. That way, we can finally have our voices heard in government and fuck up the country for the next generation. 

On Sunday, January 21st, 2024, the Buffalo Bills hosted the Kansas City Chiefs in Orchard Park, NY. It was the first time the Bills held home-field advantage since 2020 when COVID restrictions barred fans from attending the game. Bills Mafia had been chomping at the bit for this moment: Patrick Mahomes was going to play on our turf, in front of our fans. 

The narratives surrounding the game tantalized any NFL fan with a pulse. Could the Bills avenge their 13-second meltdown? Could Josh Allen be one of the few to take on Patrick Mahomes in the postseason and win? Would Taylor Swift and Hailee Steinfeld grace Buffalo with their presence…and maybe even kiss?

The Buffalo Bills vs. the Kansas City Chiefs. Josh Allen vs. Patrick Mahomes. Me and a 6-pack of “Pils Mafia” vs. the cold and a stomach full of butterflies. The stage was set, and this time I was confident things would be different. 

I knew Bills Mafia’s vociferous support could be a difference-maker, especially since I’d be there. There was no way the 2x Super Bowl and League MVP, Patrick Mahomes, was walking out of OP with the W – not when faced with the barbarian roar of a lanky man-child who hadn’t played a snap of football since the third grade. I would will the Bills to victory with my sheer presence.

Four quarters, a few beers, and two fried vocal cords later, I made the sullen and hollow walk back to my cousin’s car (always have a DD at a Bills game – Over the Limit, Under Arrest). A familiar stench wafted from the thousands of Bills fans as they departed the stadium. That stench was defeat – an odor similar to a month-old box of Duff’s wings you forgot in the back of your fridge. The Bills postseason ended in the Divisional round for a third year in a row, and the Chiefs knocked us out for a third time.

Shakespeare wrote, “[Life] is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” So is the tale of the Buffalo Bills 2023-24 season, as told by me to my bored children somewhere in the distant future. All the ear-ringing sound and fury of that stadium; the dramatic comeback from 6-6 to Division Champs; the promise of taking on Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs in our home stadium; it was all meaningless in the end. 

This is Buffalo, after all. We haven’t had a championship in any of the four major sports leagues during the city’s entire existence. Those odds are cut by 50% since we don’t have teams in the MLB or NBA. I’m convinced we’re cursed, at this point.

Maybe the Quakers put a curse on Buffalo for building a General Mills Factory here instead of a Quaker Oats one. Everyone thinks of them as teetotaling pacifists, but they’re vengeful people. “Never trust a Quaker,” that’s what I always say.

Or maybe the indigenous peoples’ spirits have risen in vengeance from the graves that the Bills stadium is built on. We tried to satisfy them with sacrifices to The Pit, but it wasn’t enough. I suppose the Chiefs would be the team the native spirits root for, too.

And so, instead of a tale of triumph, I sit here two weeks later, my keyboard drenched with snot and tears, expounding on the hopelessness of being a Buffalo Bills fan. As Theodore Roosevelt put it, the light has gone out of my life. He wrote that when his mother and wife died, but you can’t convince me that your favorite team losing in the postseason is any less painful.

Like most reasonable adult NFL fans, I emotionally invest in the outcome of my team’s games. It determines my mood for the next week. Now, the offseason calls to me like a black hole of uncertainty. I must get through the next seven months without anything to do on Sundays but dread the upcoming week. In less than a month, the NFL discourse will become a speculative farce of mock drafts and trivial gossip about players, teams, and coaches.

The next season will begin, though. It’s only a matter of time. And, to be honest, the tale may be meaningless, but I don’t care what it signifies. The memories I have of the sound and fury of Highmark Stadium on a Sunday night…well…my tears of sadness are replaced with tears of joy. I’d relive these meaningless seasons 1,000,000x. I find more significance in the sound and fury than the results of the games. My hope is not extinguished. I will circle the wagons, once more.

But if Brandon Beane doesn’t draft a first-round receiver I will kill myself.

We are now a few weeks into the grimmest portion of the year. The holiday lights are coming down, and we’re left to cast about in cold and darkness like stranded mountaineers losing their last fire on Mt. Everest. Next comes two to four months of bitter winter as the splendor of the Holidays evaporates. If you’re looking for new routines and hobbies to occupy your time, here are a few suggestions:

Get Some Exercise

January is one of the busiest months in the gym world and you’re ready with resolutions to get as cut as Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Or Brad Pitt in Snatch. Or Brad Pitt in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Jesus, Brad Pitt is fit.

Anyway, the good news is that you won’t see more progress than you do in the first two months of an effective workout routine. That’s also the bad news. You’ll plateau and realize how much consistency and focus a healthy physique requires. You can either dedicate more time to the gym and your diet or convince yourself that it’s not really your thing because you’re more of an intellectual.

Alternatively, you may develop body dysmorphia and be perpetually unsatisfied with your gains, which will lead you into a toxic relationship with the gym, your diet, and your self-image. The coming summer beach days will fill you with dread as you consider downloading a Tor browser to purchase trenbolone from a dark web Russian merchant.

Set Work Goals

It’s Q1 and you’re ready to become a corporate alpha who does nothing but increase shareholder value. Use social media to post constantly about “The Grind”, along with pictures of characters from Peaky Blinders, The Sopranos, and Scarface with overlaid quotes from The Art of War. Alienate loved ones with a new domineering and abrasive attitude. Family doesn’t matter now because you’re 3,654th on the waitlist to get a base-model Tesla.

Share your goals with your boss, too. That way, when you end up losing your zeal and taking multiple 45-minute bathroom breaks per day, you’re not just letting yourself down, you’re letting them down too. And your company. And your family. Use the creeping but all-consuming dissatisfaction to fuel your budding alcoholism.

Read Philosophy

Reading is a great way to spend your leisure time, and it offers an active cognitive effort that will help your brain recover from the damage you’ve done by binge drinking on the weekends. I’m sure many of my readers have self-improvement resolutions on their agenda this year, and reading philosophy is a great way to jumpstart your motivation.

Choose three to five books to read from different authors with contrary perspectives. Immediately subscribe to whatever you’re reading and condescend to anyone’s argument to the contrary with half-remembered quotes from the book. Remember: it isn’t important to live out the lessons in the book, but you need to talk about it incessantly. When you finish one book, read the counterpoint, cast aside your previous worldview, and find a new way to bore strangers at parties.

Consider Self-Care

Get into a good self-care routine so you look and feel your best beneath the many layers you have to wear just to sit in your non-insulated apartment. Start a skincare routine to combat the seasonal dry skin and stop molting like a reptile. Sure, it’ll cost you hundreds of dollars that you can’t afford to spend, but, hey, if the United States of America can operate at a constant trillion-dollar deficit, what’s a few grand to you?

If you’re really broke, though, you can always just take long warm showers – nothing beats the cold like a steamy shower. Plus, there’s no deeper enjoyment than a refreshing shower beer (or five). While you’re in there, brood on past exes and dissect your deepest flaws and insecurities. No answers to the riddles of your heart will come and you’ll strongly consider adopting cats (if you’re female) or snakes (dudes rock).

Delve into Military History

Are you a male in your 20s-80s? Boy, do I have the subject matter for you. Nothing excites the male imagination quite like sex and war. You won’t be having any of the former, so let’s lean on the latter.

Learn about vaunted military exploits like Operation Barbarossa and daydream about fighting and dying in the twisted skeletons of Soviet cities like Stalingrad. Collect vintage military relics to decorate your bedroom (again, not like you’re getting laid, anyway), or purchase surplus military gear that will be the envy of all your male friends.

If you’re more interested in modern warfare, subscribe to an OSINT Discord server and watch the horrors of the war in Ukraine from the comfort of your couch! You’ll either realize that you’re a coward who could never be man enough to survive those conditions, or you’ll drift into delusion and constantly tell your friends that you totally could’ve been a US Marine if you hadn’t focused so much on “socializing” in college. 

Watch Movies

Cinema offers some of the best storytelling mankind has ever created. Plus, the artsy films have a lot of tasteful nudity, and, as we mentioned before, you’re in a dry spell that rivals the 1920s Dust Bowl.

Make a list of classic and avant-garde films you want to see, set yourself up, and make it 30 minutes into a black-and-white foreign film before saying, “Screw this,” and rewatching the Pirates of the Caribbean series for the 10th time in your life. You only need to remember the titles of a few movies in the Criterion Collection to call yourself a film buff, anyway.

Learn New Recipes

There are many wonderful winter recipes to supply you with hearty and warm meals during the winter months. Plus, your culinary toolkit consists mostly of pasta dishes and DiGiorno pizzas. It’s time to expand your skillset – the DoorDash expenses are getting out of hand.

Invest in a slow cooker to whip up a filling comfort dish like chili! Or turkey chili. Or sweet potato chili. Or chili dogs. Really, just learn to make different renditions of chili. It will eradicate your gut biome and you’ll have to see a GI doctor, but, man, chili is really fucking good in the winter.

Take Walks

Walking is a simple but effective mind-clearing exercise. It’s especially useful if you work from home and feel like you’re crawling up the walls. Put in some headphones and listen to music, a podcast, or an audiobook. Or go au naturel and use the quiet time to work out problems in your life, enjoy the beauty of the natural world, or just relax and focus on putting one step in front of the other.

Just throw on some long johns and a snowproof exoskeleton, then head out into the barren tundra to get your steps in. If you didn’t like the cold before, you’re sure to hate it after walking in it for 30 minutes every day.

Allow the cold to reach deep into your body and fester into a sub-zero resentment that freezes you emotionally and physically. Dream of a day when you can put on shorts and a t-shirt to venture out, then crawl back home to wait a few months for the despotic weather conditions to let up. God, I can’t fucking wait.